Dear Men, Oh Pause..

..and empathize a little!

Imagine the prospect of losing a companion who’s spent the better part of almost 30 years of your life with you. Albeit an irritating, painfully annoying companion, but a constant; even a part of your identity.. How do you feel?
A little sad? A little insecure, maybe? After all, the life that you knew all along will be changing forever. God knows what new challenges will be thrown at you now.
Now imagine, losing this companion is coupled with some kind of witchery where you start showing considerable physical and mental changes — suddenly, your body begins to morph into something you don’t recognize in the mirror, start feeling various aches and pains in parts of your body you didn’t know existed, your skin changes, your hair changes, you start feeling hot and itchy whatever the temperature outside is, you start having memory lapses and, of course, those intense migraines! As though someone’s implanted some kind of a chip inside that causes excruciating, blinding, photosensitive headaches… you begin to oscillate between being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde… it is as if you’ve transfigured into an Animagus… or being taken hostage in one of those young adult, post-apocalyptic, dystopian fantasy-fiction tales where someone else has been controlling you all along!
What is it that you could be feeling now?

Unhappy, probably; and irritated, disoriented even confused. And maybe, a wee bit angry. Right?
All of the above, give or take, is pretty much what menopausal women experience.

But wait! Pause a minute! Women know this, so why write it all over again? Because, this blog is aimed at men.

Yes, yes, I know, you don’t go through it, but ALL the women in your life do and what I’ve described above is just a tip of the iceberg of what they go through. For quite a few years, mind you! But usually what happens is that not only do you not empathize with the emotional and physical rollercoaster that your woman’s going through, you tend to make really tone-deaf jokes about the crankiness and physical unattractiveness of peri- and menopausal women.

Ok, maybe not all of you; I know, it is not all men; some of you are truly sensitive, but don’t know what you can do about it and hence simply sit back and let things play their course.
Sometimes that attitude helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

Maybe, we could start by understanding what exactly is perimenopause and menopause.

Perimenopause, which literally means “around menopause” refers to the time a woman’s body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.
Simple, so far? Well, the not-so-simple bit is that, not only do most or all symptoms mentioned above start around this time, but the fact that this time that usually starts sometime in the 40s, or earlier, and can last to up to 10 years!
Menopause technically takes place when a woman has not had her period for 12 months. Sometimes, a woman skips her entire perimenopausal phase to straight menopause due to medical reasons leading to removal of her reproductive organs entirely. But that doesn’t stop any of the above symptoms and reactions; if at all, they are magnified due to the surgical strike.

A question that may bother you here is the co-relation of a regular physical milestone and so many psychosomatic issues mentioned above.

Well, it all boils down to the fact that marking the end of reproductive age means a huge depletion of the female hormone estrogen. Also found in small amounts in men, this hormone is responsible for many bodily functions. It supports regulation of metabolism, insulin sensitivity, glucose metabolism and body weight. It is a necessary hormone for cholesterol metabolism, bone metabolism and sexual development during puberty; most importantly, it helps in the lining of the uterus grow as needed during menstruation and early stages of pregnancy.
Some researches say that there could be a direct co-relation between dropping of estrogen and the management of serotonin and norepinephrine, two substances that have been linked with depression.

Suffice to say, havoc is being wreaked inside a woman’s body and mind.

So, how can you help?

1.Stop playing up her insecurities

Whatever your age, and whatever your relationship — mother, sister, wife — remember, this woman has given you some of her best years, taking care of your every need, making you feel good about yourself selflessly, building you up and generally being your safe place. Right now, marking the end of her childbearing years is a very bittersweet as well as painful experience for her. While the changes in her body bring up concerns about attractiveness and body image, it also leads to bigger questions about her place and purpose in life.

It is your turn now; be supportive and understanding; assure her of her status in your life through actions more than just words. Keep her involved where you can and be mindful of her insecurities. Be patient with her while she frets and fusses about her extra inches on the waist or her fine lines on the face or crow’s feet around her eyes. These may seem unimportant to you, but they are magnified in her eyes, already bringing her self-esteem down. Build her up whenever you can.
Most importantly, “she’s menopausal” should have an empathetic tone to it rather than a snide one. Empathetic, mind you, not pitiful either.

2.Stop pandering to her swings
Yet, at the same time, remember, it’s a regular phenomenon, biological progress and process and not something unusual. That she is moody should not be magnified to an extent that she starts using it as a weapon to get her way. Most often, the mood swings back to normal after one hissy fit and chances are, she is equal parts embarrassed and equal parts regretful of it herself. Do not let her wallow in it, nor discuss it in detail. Just move on. Take it in stride and encourage her to do it too. Chances are that healthy doses of your attention, mixed with healthy doses of your practical approach will help her understand and hence manage her mood swings better.

3.Encourage her to exercise and keep up a healthy diet

Apparently, estrogen protects against insulin resistance. Therefore, with the estrogen levels dropping, insulin resistance sets in making it harder to move the glucose from blood into cells for energy…and if the body doesn’t rid itself off the glucose, it ends up getting turned into triglycerides by the liver and stored as fat.
This brings us to healthy food habits and exercise. Inspire her to cut down on the wrong kind of carbohydrates (sugar and processed carbs), follow a suitable meal-time, include fresh foods in the diet and exercise — yoga, cardio, weight-training, whatever! Probably, join an activity together! Not only will it help her with her body, it will also help her mind, especially with the release of happy hormones; and, of course, a workout routine together will also benefit your physical health while paving way for a refreshed relationship. It’s a win-win!
If nothing else, please don’t let your work schedule come in the way of her workout and diet.

4.Push her to come first

Maybe this should be the first point but nevertheless, here it is. Women are trained, taught and conditioned to put everyone’s needs before theirs, right from childhood. Many a times it happens through observation more than education, but it exists and is very subtly encouraged. And before she realizes, a woman has imbibed the ‘martyr culture’ inside her.
While it is a sweet gesture, often, a woman tends to feel she will be paid back when the time comes.. and that time never comes as everyone’s gotten used to her martyrdom as years go by and the sweetness fades into bitterness.

Make her aware of the pitfalls right from the start. Best thing would be to nip it in the bud…. But if that cannot happen for various reasons, keep pushing her/encouraging her, sometimes, even planning for her to keep a couple of hours a week for something that she enjoys — could be anything from a hobby to exercise to running a book club to a coffee date — and discourage family members from contacting her during this time off.
Also, a big help here will be if family members start getting independent of her…and not expect her to look after everyone’s every need, right from medicines to dinner time to ironed clothes, and start cleaning up after themselves.
Another important thing is to convince her to pay equal, if not more, attention to her own meal times and diet-plans. It may sound irrelevant, but more often than not, she is waiting for everyone to come to the table, figuring out everyone’s preferences on the table to finally have any energy to accommodate herself, leading her to feel under-appreciated, fatigued and irritable.
Actively help her change this routine in her favor and be supportive during the process.

Whatever suggestions mentioned above are a mix of my observations of people around, and personal experiences. It is my humble attempt of showing what could help a woman during these difficult years.

In the end, all I can say is that as a man — son, brother, husband — get into the habit of being mindful of the woman in your life; her changing needs and moods, and be sensitive to them. By no means am I saying that she needs to be handled with kid-gloves. No! Treat her as a friend and equal. Stand next to her in this new journey; just like she has shouldered you through many of yours.